IC CONTACT.

[handycapable]

VOICE TEXT MAIL ACTION

© TESSISAMESS

Comments

2/2

[handycapable]

HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT PART?

And what the Hell have you been saying about space pirates?? Those weren't pirates!

[undiagnosed]

[...right the pirates were the guys in his dream. whoops.]

i was focusing on our VICTORIES, obviously, ray, nancy negative
and
same difference
shut up

[handycapable]

I

[ Well, fine, they're pretty close. He probably wouldn't have drawn up much of a distinction himself if not for having very painful memory associations with "space" and "pirates" respectively. ]

Yknow what? Fine.
But exactly how much are you telling him, Archer??

[undiagnosed]

abridged version of both our life stories, obviously

it just came up ok???
i don't really want the most recent reject from the beatles to know anything about me
how do you know him??

[handycapable]

We're friends!
And don't tell him about my life, I don't need you trying to embarrass me like you always do!

[undiagnosed]

HOW ARE YOU SO SHITTY AT READING TONE YOU ARE LITERALLY PAID TO UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS

i'm not telling him about your life you fucking idiot if you're such good friends then you can do that yourself! i'm not doing your damn job for you!

though can you imagine being a wingman in a place like this? holy shit
i'll keep an eye out for some capezios just for you gillette

[handycapable]

How is it on me to translate all your shitty sarcasm over shitty text?? For all I know you've been talking about me to him this entire Goddamn time!

And you've made your stupid point, Archer. Go ahead and double down on the sarcasm, that's real mature.

Speaking of TONE, there is NO NEED to resort to using ALL CAPITAL LETTERS at me you COMPLETE ASS.

cw suicide joke

[undiagnosed]

i mean i'd ask you how long we've known each other but i feel like if you thought about that too hard you might actually kill yourself, so

but don't worry if we do start gossiping about boys then i'll make sure to tell him you're the prettiest and smartest

[undiagnosed]

AND I WILL ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AT WHOMSOEVER I WANT BITCH

[handycapable]

Yknow...

[ Archer doesn't not have that affect on people, but Ray decides not to give him the validation of confirming it. ]

FRIEND, Archer. I'm not trying to sleep with the guy!
Anyway he's not even my type.

[undiagnosed]

yeah i'm gonna be honest he's the twinkiest twink that ever twinked, right?

[handycapable]

I've seen him wear almost nothing but dresses since we've met, so I mean, duh.

[undiagnosed]

and he's about to abandon me in this fucking christmas town so can you use your gay powers of friend/kinship to tell him to not do that

[handycapable]

You know that's not actually how it works, right?

[undiagnosed]

[one can imagine the irritated sigh.]

obviously

[undiagnosed]

but do it anyway

[handycapable]

Here's an idea: why don't you hitchhike?

[undiagnosed]

and get murdered? sure, let me just get on that

[handycapable]

Oh I'm sorry, my mistake. I thought I was having a conversation with Sterling Archer the grown man, not Sterling Archer the little teenage girl.

[undiagnosed]

[..............there's pause enough between replies that it's clear archer actually cannot concede that point without making himself sound stupider, so.]

dickhead

[handycapable]

(◡‿◡✿)凸*:･ﾟ✧

[undiagnosed]

i'm going to fucking kill you

[handycapable]

But you still have to find your way home first!

[undiagnosed]

[there is no reply. not for hours. ray probably forgets about this whole thing.

it's late when archer thumps on ray's door, but not as late as before. a more respectable time, like seven in the evening.]

RAYMOND! LET ME IN!

[handycapable]

Jesus Christ!

[ He is STARTLED, fuck you very much! Ray is in fact sitting on the couch watching some charmingly addictive soap opera when Archer starts knocking with obnoxious persistence, forcing Ray to grab his cane and grumble irritably to himself as he limps over to the door. ]

What, Archer?! What is it now?!