IC CONTACT.

[handycapable]

VOICE TEXT MAIL ACTION

© TESSISAMESS

Comments

[handycapable]

I've seen him wear almost nothing but dresses since we've met, so I mean, duh.

[undiagnosed]

and he's about to abandon me in this fucking christmas town so can you use your gay powers of friend/kinship to tell him to not do that

[handycapable]

You know that's not actually how it works, right?

[undiagnosed]

[one can imagine the irritated sigh.]

obviously

[undiagnosed]

but do it anyway

[handycapable]

Here's an idea: why don't you hitchhike?

[undiagnosed]

and get murdered? sure, let me just get on that

[handycapable]

Oh I'm sorry, my mistake. I thought I was having a conversation with Sterling Archer the grown man, not Sterling Archer the little teenage girl.

[undiagnosed]

[..............there's pause enough between replies that it's clear archer actually cannot concede that point without making himself sound stupider, so.]

dickhead

[handycapable]

(◡‿◡✿)凸*:･ﾟ✧

[undiagnosed]

i'm going to fucking kill you

[handycapable]

But you still have to find your way home first!

[undiagnosed]

[there is no reply. not for hours. ray probably forgets about this whole thing.

it's late when archer thumps on ray's door, but not as late as before. a more respectable time, like seven in the evening.]

RAYMOND! LET ME IN!

[handycapable]

Jesus Christ!

[ He is STARTLED, fuck you very much! Ray is in fact sitting on the couch watching some charmingly addictive soap opera when Archer starts knocking with obnoxious persistence, forcing Ray to grab his cane and grumble irritably to himself as he limps over to the door. ]

What, Archer?! What is it now?!

[undiagnosed]

[good, that's what he'd wanted. archer had seriously considered going home to get a meat cleaver to scare the living shit out of ray properly, but decided against it. the less he thinks about the russian mind control the better.

that being said, when ray opens the door archer tilts forward and flops onto the carpet with an unceremonious THUD, staying face down for a few moments before whining:] Was going to murder you, too tired and sore. Ugh. Eat a dick, gravity.

[handycapable]

[ Well, that's... anticlimactic. Ray moves out of the way before Archer hits the ground completely, knowing if he tried catching him they'd both eat shit. (Convenient as an excuse, maybe, but also true! Sometimes having shitty legs and only arm does have its perks, who knew?) ]

What the Hell d'you do, walk here?

[ Ray moves a chair over so Archer can use it to help himself up, while Ray goes back over to lay across the couch like any housewife in the middle of watching her stories. ]

You'd better not be gettin' mud all over my carpet.

[undiagnosed]

No, just some of the way. [he stays on the floor for a few moments longer before he gathers the strength to pick himself back up and join ray in the front room. he flops into an armchair.] And it's just sore like it always is, all the time. You know how it is.

[literally. archer sighs, glancing over to ray. there might be... something approaching concern on his expression for a split second as he reaches over to poke and prod at ray's prosthetic.]

What the fuck did they do to you?

[handycapable]

Well, I do now, but before it was more of an 'all or nothin'' kinda thing? Y'know, like, paralysis versus bionics...

[ Semantics, though; Ray is just kind of rambling distractedly as he half-listens to Archer, half tries to catch up on what just happened on his TV, but it's useless. He's just reaching to turn the set off when Archer pokes at his arm, surprising Ray by actually asking about it. ]

Except here, fancy things such as bionic limb replacements clearly haven't been invented yet. [ With a sigh, he bats Archer's hand away. ] It's fine, Archer.

[ Well. Not really, but Ray's adapted to it once, he can do it again. ]

[undiagnosed]

[archer huffs, swatting back at ray for an immature moment, then reaches out to take the prosthetic again, turning it over to check the straps, apparently.]

Do you need help with securing it? [he asks, tone surprisingly earnest.] It's not fine, idiot. You already had them. Seriously, do you remember them being taken?

[he hadn't realised ray had problems with his legs now, too, assuming only the hand which... you know, that's just a fire axe. how the hell do you get leg bones out without killing the person, though? troubling!]

Maybe they just need... I don't know. Tuning up. Whatever Krieger does to them. [a beat:] You should care more about these people getting valuable tech like that.

[right, because it's about the tech and not ray's wellbeing. archer doesn't look like he convinces himself very well when he says that-- asshole he may be, but he's not so bad that none of this doesn't sit extremely poorly with him.]

[handycapable]

Archer...

[ It's almost a relief, actually, when Archer starts going into the kind of valuable tech argument that's come out of Malory's mouth plenty of times before as well, because otherwise Ray wouldn't know how to deal with all this... what's the word, empathy? (sympathy?) being leveled at him. Thank God Archer had the decency to (mostly) ruin it. ]

No, I just woke up like this: one hand, and legs I can barely walk on, so whoever made off with my hand should already be sitting pretty by now. And sure, I mean, if I can just find someone who knows how to reboot the CPU in my spine then that's that problem solved, but until then...

[ He shakes his head and sighs, clearly trying to reign in the sarcasm. ]

Look, don't be all weird about it now.

[undiagnosed]

I didn't notice until now, [he snipes back, but relents and stops fussing, falling back against the armchair.] just don't go and get addicted to painkillers or something, because I'm probably going to need your help when I inevitably find a way to get us all out of here. I can only carry so many tools.

[he drops his head onto the top of the cushion, looking up at the ceiling, starting to actually feel as tired as he should be.]

This is stupid and I hate it. [he announces.] I was supposed to be in early, like, a week ago. Mother's probably having the biggest conniption that we've just up and disappeared.

[archer reaches over with his good leg, poking ray with the toe of it.]

Maybe she'll send Rip Riley after me again, eh?

[handycapable]

When have I ever been addicted to pain killers?

[ Smoking, club drugs, binge eating, drinking to help him sleep, and arguably pot, fine, but pain killers? Don't insult him.

He's about to say something else when Archer continues, going on a vaguely strange rambling rant that Ray isn't entirely sure what to make of. Okay, he's stressed and feeling vulnerable, but-- ]

It'll be fine, Archer. [ He has no way of knowing this, of course. ] Like your mom or Lana wouldn't've figured out we were kidnapped cross-country by now, they're probably just figuring out how to get us back in one piece where we belong.

[ Well, "one piece," but anyway, Ray still has no way of knowing this, he's just saying it to say it. Almost to himself, he muses in afterthought: ]

Damn, whatever happened to Rip Riley anyway?

[undiagnosed]

There's a first time for everything. [archer's own relationship with them is... a little questionable. remember how he ate a whole bottle of them because "someone left them out" in the PI agency? yeah, he's a goddamn mess.] Especially if you're gonna be in constant pain now.

[he sighs, shaking his head and pinching his nose.]

Oh, please, like Lana's going to want me back. [hm. strange tone. might not just be talking about literally.] He sure as shit wasn't out getting Veronica Deane in for my would-be murder with the rest of you.

[handycapable]

Oh don't be shitty, just because Lana's married now doesn't mean she wants you gone, Archer. Or me, for that matter!

[ He points it out as if he actually thinks some rescue could be happening, which... it could, that would be nice!, but his leg bones situation combined with the year combined with neither of them knowing why or how they're even here makes Ray worry it's not that simple.

But then, what makes more sense? He doesn't know that either. ]

Oh my God! [ Ray gasps suddenly, hand over his mouth. ] D'you think he's dead?!

[undiagnosed]

Yeah, I guess this is basically coma o'clock only with the possibility of me seeking revenge.

[he is going to be a bitter baby bitch about that until he dies, even though he really didn't make much of an effort to chill out or change, and he still feels hurt by lana moving on.]

I... honestly don't care. [archer mutters dejectedly, resting his cheek on his fist.] Though I guess it would be pretty ironic if he got eaten by sharks.